Me: {to Gi, who was awake before I was} Did you turn on the heaters?
Gi: Oh! I wanted to do that!
Category Archives: Quotes
{trying the daily Worldle – shows silhouette of a random country} New Zealand! Also known as “Sheep: the Country.”
I am practicing pooping responsibly.
Vocal fry… In Britain it’s vocal chip.
You’ve heard of George W Bush, but no one talks about George W Shrub.
I want to make a nut and fruit based concoction to dip carrots in.
Stealing candy from a baby isn’t actually that easy; they have a death grip.
{commenting on Dave the dachshund’s barking} It wouldn’t surprise me if he could see ghosts or something because this is a very historical place.
I’m going to practice the art of not giving a fuck about the thing buzzing near me. {is immediately buzzed by a fly} Oh, no! Nevermind!
I snoze, and then a bunch of pixie particles appeared at the edge of my vision.
Gi: Ooh! What are those?
Me: They’re basically cinnamon rolls.
Gi: Ooh! I would like to try them!
Me: Why?
Gi: Because they have pecans on them; they’re slightly healthier!
Despite gibberish being my second language – comma – I could not understand that – period.
I fucking the holy-shit-that-sucks-man images. That are like the poop emoji with a halo over it and a shop vac sucking up a guy.
Gi: Did you know you can make pinecone jam?
Me: Oh, really? How do you do that?
Gi: First, you collect the pinecones when they’re ripe. When they’re still green. In the early spring. I think.
Me: That’s not ripe. That’s pre-ripe. But OK.
Gi: And then, you do whatever you do to it to make jam. I don’t know how to make jam.
Gi: Is that vintage Martinelli’s?!
Me: Yeah. It’s called wine.
Me: The Orange Meal: So, I think we should take some salmon, shove it in a pumpkin, and add some oranges…
Gi: NO!!
Me: Honestly, I think I could make that taste pretty good.
Gi: Yeah. Actually, I think so, too.
{covered in blanket} I am a suspiciously man-shaped blanket.
If a fitness tracker can detect a meat suit under its sensor, then if there’s body heat and there’s no heart beat, then it should send out a GPS signal and a 911 call or an emergency signal that says, “Hey! This man’s dead!”
Me: {hears abnormal vacuuming in the other room} Um… What’s going on?
Gi: Some dipshit spilled sugar on the floor, and some dipshit is vacuuming it up.
Gi: Did I say right? I meant left.
Me: Oh, yeah. You and Dad. Getting your right and your left mixed up.
Gi: See, I got the worst of both worlds. Like you, I can’t tell which way north, south, east, and west are. And I don’t know my right from my left.
GODzookery 