The problem with cubes is that they don’t roll.
[Taking apart the coffee grinder] is like Twinkie Deconstructed… Except without candy.
I wonder what would happen if we put vanilla extract in the [dryer] hedgehogs and hot-glued them shut. That would be an interesting experiment.
Me: Cuy (guinea pig) are native to the Andes.
Gi: That’s why the story takes place in the Andes Mountains! … They should be called mountain hamsters.
When big breasted women jump, their boobs whack them in the face. Which I imagine is really uncomfortable.
I’m a really talkative pillow. When I’m not asleep.
I’m not getting hurt by Mom reefing on my hair. I’m getting hurt by the horribility of this joke.
Dad: Which Shakespeare play includes the characters Viola, Malviolo, and Olivia?
Gi: The one the includes Left Shark and Right Shark!
I love kissing you on the nose, Mom. It’s like booping, except more oxytocin is produced.
Me: I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t pop the bubble wrap.
Gi: I’m not gonna pop the bubbles. I’m just appreciating the differentness of this bubble wrap.
You are my gravitational center, Mom. Dad is my secondary planet.
Apparently, some people give themselves alcohol enigmas.
And oxytocin gives you brain bleach.
Gi: Oh! Those are lights! Those are lights! Not glowing graffiti!
Me: Why would it be glowing graffiti?
The reason the stuff that Mom says is funny is because she’s Mom and she has all the superpowers. Except invisibility and all that other comic book crap.
If you put your forehead on the glass, it feels really weird.
I’m so full I feel like I’m gonna barf. And it’s cold. And it’s a good thing it’s cold, ’cause if it was hot, then the temperature would cause the liquid to expand, and I would feel even more like I was gonna barf.
A Range Rover is like a Mars rover in that it’s a vehicle.
Me: So the road we want to turn on is six blocks past 1st Avenue.
Gi: So, it’s negative 6th Avenue.
Me: Heifer International is a charity that gives away goats and sheep and cows to people.
Gi: I want a goat.